December 31, 2011, 3:04 pm.
Dear world, my friends, my family, everyone else i love,
I have been thinking of this for quite a while.... I realized this.... Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself... I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail... (And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit... I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here... but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 18 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself.
I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably.... On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on.... all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next.... it continued on that pattern for God knows how long... I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving...
Then I was being hunted by some psycho bitch in California, but luckily she never found me, but now I wish I was and that she killed me. Shit. Anyways, so as the relationship continued, it got worse... I was criticized harshly at almost every turn and moment, shunned, and even avoided... So I thought to myself... "What the hell does it matter if i did any good? It wouldn't make any difference... It will all be just the same... I'll always be at the fuckign bottom of the system..." So i decided (as the wretch that i am) to escape by all kinds of things, alcohol and little affairs included and flirting here and there... I just felt so trapped and alone that I felt I had to do those things in order to be loved and accepted somewhere. It worked for a while... and I have been doing that shit in my current relationship for quite a few times now... Then I got found out and she decided to never forgive me and her trust was all lost.... But what could i fucking do!? I was trapped in a system where i never belonged anyway, so what was the point to do good if it never paid the hell off?
I have been fighting depression and been into alcohol for quite a while now... After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances... What a way to deceive me into thinking I could make peace with you... I just went back to my good old self before all this happened and I tried to be as good as i could, to find someway to make it up to you and gain forgiveness and trust back as it is sacred... But as time wore on and I used all the time and opportunity to show I changed and moved on... You never would seem to let it go... That's when i realized that I in turn was still going to be the person I never wanted to be.. The bad guy, the crook, the social pariah, the lowest of the low, scum... She would probably even hold this against me forever i thought with no hope in sight.
But i never wanted to get into this shit!!!! I never freaking wanted to... All I wanted was to love, play, be happy, live out my life and dreams... Not any of this! I had good dreams and goals too, I wanted to be a pharmacist or culinary manager. I guess I'm not going to be good enough to reach those either... I messed up too much and made too many mistakes to have my life any good at all. I don't have a wonderful life, I have a terrible life. And all this will probably continue for the rest of my life and I'll never be forgiven and loved... be in this prison for the rest of my life... So I figured, what's the point to go on then... I have already messed everything up.... Why should I still live like this? I'll never be accepted back by anyone cause all those negative people were right... I was going to lose and now I have. Amaya (Wikka) was that girl also talked about in that one relationship and she gets to live the life I now miss and will never have again: plenty of friends, an internet star, a social star, a fucking superpower, a new and better boyfriend and lover than i could ever be in her life, a great comfy cool room, all kinds of gadgets, on the top of the pile, the fucking top for god's sakes! She is always loved and adored and always has everything anyone could ever want, a great new lover (than me), new gadgets and shit, all kinds of friends and popularity more than I could ever have, and a room that always feels warm with company. While I myself always feel the coldness in my room...
I always shiver from the cold and loneliness, I barely have any good gadgets, let alone even good people and friends (i only have a handful), I now seem to have no lover or significant other to have and cuddle and love and turn to, I feel very lonely, I'm rarely ever popular with so many people, and I'm always seeming to be looked down on as the bottom of the food chain even! I'm always the bad guy in every case i get involved in and I NEVER WIN! *sobs* And the same stuff such as the avoiding, constant harsh criticism, and everything is coming back and may even get worse then before, the rejection and the loneliness, the despair... everything. And it will never end... all this will be my whole life with no end... nothing bright... no light at the end of the fucking tunnel... Only guilt, shame, regret, and defeat and bitterness... the upper class (such as her) fucking won.... big whoops and cheers for them! they are always the good fucking guys while i and people like myself are the bad guys that always fucking lose.... Now I know how losers of war feel; they feel angry, bitter, resentful, regretful, guilty, shameful and like total shit at the bottom...
And so I realized this: the fucking good life and victory, i envisioned and had is now gone... never to return. I lost because of my goddamn failures and faults and now i can never get back up and win ever.... I let them, the evil and the upper class people like her win over and have everything they deserve and desire while I got fucking nothing and squat. I am poor and with nothing while they get everything. Those winners get to write history. So there! I admitted the goddamn truth! I am a loser and the bad guy and I fucking lost to you and all of you other upper class people while you guys won! YOU PEOPLE WON THE FUCKING WAR WHILE ME AND OTHERS LIKE MYSELF WHO STRUGGLE LOST AND SUFFER HELLISHLY!!! HAPPY NOW!!!? HAPPY NOW THAT YOU REDUCED MY LIFE TO NOTHING AND TOTAL SUFFERING TOO as well as MYSELF!? YOU always get everything you want and everybody likes you while me and the others like myself i find are rejected and hated by so many though we try so damn HARD! You don't even have to work for it!
You think this is suicide and just some goddamn whiney shit!? I say this is war and I have ALREADY FUCKING LOST! you think you know true suffering and hell while you sleep in your constant warm bed and everything you have, what do you FUCKING KNOW about it all? nothing, bullshit! so dont say i'm being a fucking whiner, bastard, jerk, child or w/e for this, i dont want to hear it!!!! So I'm tired of living like this like there's always something bad with me, I'm always the bad guy and the loser, the backstabber, the lying guy, whiner, and outcast!! I don't give a shit anymore and just want to die and be put out of my misery! YOU FUCKING WON AND DEFEATED ME AND MADE ME THE BAD GUY AND LOSER LIKE I AM FOR ALL THOSE TIMES AND THINGS BAD I DID TO YOU AND REPLACED ME SO BE FUCKING HAPPY THAT I LOST AND YOU'RE THE WINNER AND THAT I'M GOING TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO BE JUDGED SO DONT FUCKING JUDGE ME! YOU'RE THE WINNER, I'M THE LOSER! YOU DONT WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE SO i'M GRANTING YOUR WINNER'S REQUEST AND DESIRE! It's bad enough I have to go through with this...
I'll never be good enough and I'll always lose while she'll have everything and everyone and will never share it with ever again so I'm going to accept my fate
If I hurt anyone with this... I'm sorry... I'm sorry like so much that heart could burst now... I love you all with my heart and never will want to make you all hurt at what i'm going to do... thanks to my family first. Mom, this was never your fault neither was dad's, you guys are awesome and always did your best to protect me too and for this I'm very sorry. the same goes for all my deviantart friends and family and my other friends and such like my school, neighbors, and facebook friends, etc.... I WAS NEVER EVER SMART, FUNNY, SEXY, GOOD LOOKING, ATTRACTIVE, LOVABLE, FRIENDLY, HANDSOME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO HER OR ANYONE ELSE....
I am unforgivable... WELL I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING... BUT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY... I CAN'T WIN LET ALONE MAKE IT RIGHT BY LIVING THIS WAY ANYMORE... GOOD BYE AND I LOVE YOU ALL WITH MY HEART... INCLUDING YOU WIKKA <333 EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY... GOODBYE FOREVER... I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU LOOK AT MY GRAVE.... GOOD BYE FOREVER INTO DEATH.....
-MICHAEL HUANG </3
PS: i HAVE ALREADY PLANNED TO DO THIS IN A FEW DAYS OR LESS FROM NOW SO I PLANNED IT IN ADVANCE..... AND LEFT A WILL OF THINGS I WANT TO DO AND LEAVE TO YOU ALL BEFORE I LEAVE THIS PLANET FOREVER.....
THE FINAL WILL IS BELOW IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT:
My Final Will
(My Last Dying Wishes)
1. At least have some significant other who will really love me and care about me and tell him/her my true feelings.
2. Tell my true feelings and stuff to my friends and wish the best for them.
3. Spend the last days with my family as best as I can.
4. Tell my "girlfriend" Amaya how I'm truly feeling and spend the best time with her in celebrating our first anniversary before I have to "go"
5. Give away my cherished possessions to those I love and care about one step at a time.
6. Give all those loved and cared people one last hug and/or kiss goodbye.
7. Have one last great meal and drink before I die.
8. Leave my "goodbye" letter to all.
9. Apologize and make up for every stupid thing I did.
10. Tell them that whatever happens to me is for the best.
11. Say one last prayer
12. Give up to a third OR SO of my life insurance policy money to Amaya Camui in Ohio after I die.
13. Go to the farthest and biggest bridge and finally jump off to death
or something to kill me....